Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before.
Edgar Allan Poe
Any dream I wake up and remember, I will quickly write down. I learned a couple years ago, my strange, wild dreams, dreams that make no sense, they come true. I will write them down so people around me will believe that I did in fact, have a dream I am living out. I don’t understand why I dream like I do and why they come true and there are some lessons I guess I have learned. Listen to myself! Wait! I still don’t listen to myself, my heart, or my gut.
I know there’s not lot of meat here to go by, your probably as bored reading this as I am writing it. I apologize. My head and heart are some other place and I can’t quite get the words to come, or the story to tell.
Don’t say it with words, say it with your life! That about sums up any excuse to preach at me about anything. Show me what life can be like. Show me what you mean, live out your example. So when I see how you live, listen to how you talk and I think your way is better than mine and I see a difference in you than I’d like to see in my life, I’ll come ask you. Believe me, I won’t hesitate to talk to you, hear you out and believe what you have to say. We all want something better.. At least I do. So, show me!
An old friend told me to live your fears! Whatever your afraid of, you secretly desire. She has found her light. I am ever inching my way to this unattainable light! I am little Ms Afraid~y~pants! Deep down I fear everything ,it wrecks havoc on my life! I am constantly thinking, overthinking and then rethinking every situation, any possible angle where I would be hurt. I would have tension headaches, my shoulders would ache. I was very tense. Wound tight you could say. I want to go back to school, but I hesitate. I am living but I am not living my best, or free or happy.
Becoming Bella
I have this strong woman inside me, she disappears on me rather often. There is only a shadow of her, but I know she is there. I can feel her sometimes. She is there. Here.
Becoming Bella
There are a few questions I have, these are questions I am not listening to, I guess doubt would describe it better. I am not listening to the doubts. I push on.
Proverbs 18:15, "The intelligent man is always open to new ideas. In fact, he looks for them."
I would love if I could solve problems. You could literally give me your problem and I would solve it…..just like that! No fuss, no stress for anyone. Finances, relationships and with our family/kids, issues would not be a problem because I would be after all
What does be your best self mean to you? I am pretty sure I know what it means for me, Be Your Best Self is a cast of words, regal words. They imply happiness and contentment. Then I will tell you, sadly, no I am not living my best life.
What started off as what I shouldn’t do who I shouldn’t see and how could this not go wrong, overtime has become a little more right every day and I’ll admit we face some challenges but the right far out weighs the wrong and not looking too far ahead keeps us in the moment and I think our moments are pretty amazing and what started off as all wrong, today seems all right.
My blog is called After Bella, I also have a little something I am working on called Becoming Bella. If there is an After then there must be a before. These are some of the things I post there, I hope you enjoy!
”To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”
Oscar Wilde
There was a time a few short years ago, when I was making my living by committing crimes, where I really believed I was living my best life. I lived by a code of conduct, I had my hand in a lot cookie jars so to speak. I multi tasked if you will. Anyway, for a while maybe I was living my best life, considering. I always had lots of cash, I was my own boss. I ran my life like I had a legit job. I called customers and promoted my goods, I had a daily log of what came in and what went out. I took profits from one area and reinvested into other areas of my said liking or interest. I collected on debts or accounts owed and kept client relations on a happy note. It was an adventure. Or misadventure. Reckless is what it was. I wouldn’t want to do it again, live like that but I did do things I never thought I’d do, experienced a way of life that is completely outlaw and made some friends with the oldest coolest cats I know. Real OG.
Now, I have to ask myself, am I living boldly now? No. I am living quietly. I am resettling into life. Readjusting. My boyfriend Andy and I don’t go out a lot. I am trying to figure what to do with my life as we speak, poor Andy, he is trying to give me ideas. Its a lot of work, being my boyfriend. As I reflect on this and realize I could be living better, perhaps I will take a moment now and mindfully look at my life. Where could I improve on something, anything? I have to keep into consideration my knee and leg are still unable to carry my weight, so what can I do? I cant drive yet. Well, I did start this blog, or rather just started paying attention to it. So maybe right now, I am doing the best version available of living boldly. I started writing again. I started playing with graphic art again. I think this mindful moment I just had was very productive!
Attention!!
Considering my current situation, I am living boldly! I am taking risks when I post something I write. I love to write. Right now, this is my best life! I am so glad I did today’s prompt. I wrote myself into my my own truth I hadn’t taken the time to see and I am happy to say, this is living boldly for me!!
If I could go back and talk to my teenage self I would like to talk to my 10 year old self. I would say don’t listen to your dad. Don’t! I would tell her to not destroy her trophies, you deserve them. I would tell her not to push away the good things and people, hold onto them. Your family does not define you. Your unique and embrace that. Embrace all that is you. That day you stopped believing in your gifts and talents, when your dad told you that you looked like a fool on you horse and he wouldn’t take you to the horse show, you have to stop believing that. Your dad was just lazy and he didn’t want to take you. Your gifted. I would tell her to always do the right thing. You usually do but there have been a couple times you missed the mark. Stay on your course. You are worthy, you are love able and special! When you start to get really depressed and you don’t talk or move and you isolate yourself, I want you to get help. Talk to someone. If you don’t talk about what is going on it won’t stop and you’ll hate your self more until you start to hurt yourself. Stay in school. Tell your mom and dad you don’t want to homeschool and mark your own way. Create the life you want. Think about it. Picture it. Love yourself. Do daily affirmations, get them from the Bible, from your head, think of ten positive things for every negative you think. Start your book and never stop writing. Believe in yourself. Say it! I BELIEVE IN ME. I CAN DO ANYTHING I AM STRONG I AM SMART I AM A GOOD PERSON I AM LOVED GOOD THINGS ARE LOOKING FOR ME. Say whatever your next thinks up as long as its good. I know you. I know your ur self talk is not positive but I know you want to be different because your are different People love you. You are a light in this world and you shine!!!
This is where I follow scripture and as in Jeremiah 30:2 “I am the Lord, I am the God of Israel, I say :Write in a book all the words I have spoken to you”
December 30, 2021
After fourth grade my parents put me in home school…..we had moved out to the country to have our horses with us on a farm. I had no friends, as I got older my social skills were lacking. I was naive and extremely vulnerable. I was desperately lonely and in need of Jesus.
“Before we make friends with anyone else, we must first make friends with ourselves”
Eleanor Roosevelt
I had a difficult time making friends as a young girl. I was home schooled in the late eighties and we just didn’t have the resources we have now. That and my already insecure feelings, when I met a girl and tried to become friends I didn’t have the ability to really maintain friendships. Moving forward….
My first experience with God was when I was ten years old. I was in my room reading the Bible and Psalms 23 jumped out of the page and came alive to me. God was my Shepherd, He personally led me to still waters and His staff and rod protected me! I broke down into tears. He became my friend that day. I wasn’t alone. I was loved!
That moment sustained me through my early years but Satan attacked me through sexual, verbal and physical abuse. Like many girls and boys who endure silently the hole abuse digs into your heart and mind I began to act out. I didn’t act out really so much as I began to act in. The voices in my head telling me I was guilty. I was wrong. In a self loathing mental break I gave up my beloved horses. I believe my divorce and eventual break in my relationship with my kids was the same reaction to the shame I felt. I separated myself from anything beautiful in my life. In my teens I threw away my trophies from horse shows in a rage of self hatred and shame.
I was caught with drugs in 2018 and sentenced to prison time, I sat down and finally had to listen to what God had to say to me.
“Our prisons and our jails are now our mental health institutions.“
After Bella 
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