When my kids were young, between 14 and 10, I became seriously ill with depression after the divorce of their father and me. I soon after became addicted to drugs and ended up in prison. Their father drank a lot but provided a safe home for them to grow up in and they are young adults now that don’t use drugs, they are all in good jobs. They work hard and now that I’ve been out of prison for 4 years, drug free, we have reconciled. I am proud of them. I am proud of myself. I do however, give God the glory and chose to stay humble because life is hard and I’ve been known to make bad choices so my pride must always stay in check lest I fall.
Well, once again I’m in a lesson. My county insurance dropped me. My boyfriend bought me additional insurance so the county dropped me but the paid for insurance doesn’t cover physical therapy. My ACL is severed and I have a grade 11 MCL tear so I need the therapy. He is stressed. I was stressed and even heart broke.
I’ve been told once my knee is healed I have to leave my residence. So now I’m in a pickle. God, what do you want me to do?
Not Fret
Not Fuss
Not Fidget
Proverbs 3:5
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding
I do not understand my circumstances but I do believe, rely, trust and have CONFIDENCE in my Heavenly Father that whatever His plans are, they are good, His thoughts toward me are good and He will never leave me or forsake me!
Before I was a daughter, a wife a mother, a friend or a girlfriend, I was Gods. I am a child of God. There is no one who cares for me more. I lay this lesson, this testing of my faith, at my Kings feet. Here’s my mess. Do with me whatever you will, for it is your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Thank you Jesus. Give me this day my daily bread and lead me not into temptation, but deliver me from the evil one. Forgive me my debts as I forgive my debtors, for yours is the kingdom!
Abraham was called at the age of 75 to be the father of many but was sent at the age of 100 to have the son that God called him to have. He and Sara tried, in the flesh and on their own to have a child and that was not the child God called him to have, Ishmael was born in the flesh and eventually banished to the desert. God gave Ishmael a promise of a nation of his own, but Isaac was whom God established His covenant.
Moses was called I believe at birth to lead the Jews out of captivity. He moved in the flesh thinking to kill an Egyptian that was abusing a Jew, which was his brethren. He fled and became a shepherd at the age of 40 and it was another 40 years before God sent him to free the Jews. By then he had developed a speech problem and didn’t feel he was up to the job! God waited until he was humble!!
God waited 14 years to give Abraham his promise, Moses waited another 40 years. I know God has promised me somethings, I’ve had several prophetic words, over several years, with different people. These promises take time, but we are told to write our visions and promises down, to wait for them, they will come at their appointed times. Thank you Father, that your word gives me hope. I am not too late. I haven’t been a mistake and my mistakes are not too big for you! In fact, I am excited! I am expectant! I am filled with anticipation! What God can and will do no man has seen before! He is doing a new thing!
Today I purposely choose my thoughts. When I wake up mad, I choose to let it go. I choose peace over pride. I choose love over hate. This doesn’t mean I am a door rug or that I do not matter. I matter to the one that settles matters. If a known “Christian” and leader in the community chooses mean words to say and if this same person chooses to cast me aside and out, then I trust God to make matters right for me because I am precious to God. I have to find a new place to live because my covering is lifted. I really am not worried, I know God is taking me not away from a great place but taking me away from the wrong place. It helps to know this is n my soul, it helps me not be angry and the complete unjust words thrown at me. We all pay for the things we say and do, ad if you have never had to pay because your parents paid for you, you wont understand this. All you think about is what you feel and what you think you deserve We all deserve death but we are saved by GRACE, no one is above his or under it. We are saved!!!!!! I am SAVED!!!! I am worry free this Tuesday!!!!
Today I focus on “Today”. Forgetting what lay behind, I press forward. I will go to my closet to cry, I will press past any pain, I will love. Love does not blame, it does not remember any wrong, it thinks only good and love covers all sin.
Today I am thankful to have been raised hearing and learning about God. I thank God for my mom and dad, for my kids, for my freedom from prison and freedom from drugs and alcohol. Thank you Father that you put the desire inside me to change, because I know that anything good comes from you.
This is where I follow scripture and as in Jeremiah 30:2 “I am the Lord, I am the God of Israel, I say :Write in a book all the words I have spoken to you”
December 30, 2021
After fourth grade my parents put me in home school…..we had moved out to the country to have our horses with us on a farm. I had no friends, as I got older my social skills were lacking. I was naive and extremely vulnerable. I was desperately lonely and in need of Jesus.
“Before we make friends with anyone else, we must first make friends with ourselves”
Eleanor Roosevelt
I had a difficult time making friends as a young girl. I was home schooled in the late eighties and we just didn’t have the resources we have now. That and my already insecure feelings, when I met a girl and tried to become friends I didn’t have the ability to really maintain friendships. Moving forward….
My first experience with God was when I was ten years old. I was in my room reading the Bible and Psalms 23 jumped out of the page and came alive to me. God was my Shepherd, He personally led me to still waters and His staff and rod protected me! I broke down into tears. He became my friend that day. I wasn’t alone. I was loved!
That moment sustained me through my early years but Satan attacked me through sexual, verbal and physical abuse. Like many girls and boys who endure silently the hole abuse digs into your heart and mind I began to act out. I didn’t act out really so much as I began to act in. The voices in my head telling me I was guilty. I was wrong. In a self loathing mental break I gave up my beloved horses. I believe my divorce and eventual break in my relationship with my kids was the same reaction to the shame I felt. I separated myself from anything beautiful in my life. In my teens I threw away my trophies from horse shows in a rage of self hatred and shame.
I was caught with drugs in 2018 and sentenced to prison time, I sat down and finally had to listen to what God had to say to me.
“Our prisons and our jails are now our mental health institutions.“
After Bella 
You must be logged in to post a comment.