When my kids were young, between 14 and 10, I became seriously ill with depression after the divorce of their father and me. I soon after became addicted to drugs and ended up in prison. Their father drank a lot but provided a safe home for them to grow up in and they are young adults now that don’t use drugs, they are all in good jobs. They work hard and now that I’ve been out of prison for 4 years, drug free, we have reconciled. I am proud of them. I am proud of myself. I do however, give God the glory and chose to stay humble because life is hard and I’ve been known to make bad choices so my pride must always stay in check lest I fall.
When I read this scripture in Psalm 4:2 it jumped out of the page and settled into my heart. It resonated with my soul. I wrote last night about me chasing love in my relationships and they always fail. Love and acceptance come from my Lord and that is where I am right now. I am still mourning the man I love but I know that I am not a failure. I am not a loser. I am not unworthy. I am waiting on God. Everyday I seek His word, the truth about myself. I am redeemed and Jesus sacrificed Himself for ME! I have known this all my life but a deeper truth hit me last night. I have to trust God to heal my knee, to put me into a job that will enable me to support myself and I have to let go of the wrong thinking that has entrapped me, enslaved me into people pleasing and the approval addiction I have lingered in. I am a strong woman, a child of God, I am going to make it and I am going to prosper!
The word trust means an assure reliance on the character, ability or strength of someone or something.. To place confidence ~ expect confidently.
Example: When I go to my car and turn the key, I know my car, I know it will start. I do not question, wonder or hope it starts, I have developed trust in my car. As we develop a relationship we become assured of Gods character, His ability and His Word. His Word is truth.
Truth is defined as sincerity in action and/or character and utterance: Fidelity, constancy, the state of being the case; Fact.
This Tuesday, I will focus on the Truth.
I can Trust God
I can rely and trust God. He is working things out. He may be behind the scene where I can’t keep my eye on it, I can’t control it which is scary because I am human, I want to work things out myself. Which is funny on account I myself have made a pretty big mess of my life! I have scrambled around, I have tried to manipulate things and people, force my own agenda and control situations and it always blows up in my face! Instead of trying harder today and moving forward I will trust harder
“Thus speaks the Lord God of Israel, saying; ‘Write in a book for yourself all the Words I have spoken to you’
Jeremiah 30:2
God revealed that scripture while I sat in Dallas County Jail waiting to go to prison. This is the beginning of all He spoke to me while in prison. I rode my bunk as they say for two years, and studied. My mom, bless her heart, sent me dictionaries to define words that stuck out or that I felt compelled to understand on a deeper level, she sent me devotionals and when there was no more room in my locker, she hand wrote me from Strongs Concordance. Thank you momma! It was because you kept me in pen and paper that I could write these down.
Luke 9:62
But Jesus said to him, " No one having put his hand to the plow and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God.
Luke 9:23,24
Then He said to them all " If anyone desires to come after me, let him deny himself, take up his own cross daily and follow me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose his life but whoever loses his life for my sake will save his life"
Mark 8:37
Or what will a man give in exchange for his life?
Luke 17:32
Remember Lots wife? He who seeks his on life will loose it.
Genesis 19:26
But Lots wife looked back behind her and she became a pillar of salt
This regards to wanting to want to follow Jesus but still having other priorities and or desires. Or perhaps perhaps looking back on an addiction you have broken free from and what happens when we think too much about something? We are more than likely going to to go back to it. Our thoughts eventually become actions.
Our lives will never be greater than the cause we live for, ourselves or God. Do you desire earthy love and recognition, or heavenly love and recognition? Happiness or Holiness? Favor with man or God?
Isaiah 26:3 "You will keep him in perfect peace, Whose mind is stayed on you, Because he trusts in you"
Good Morning
Today my peace and joy come from the Lord. I should say that everyday! I am going to start saying that, even when I don’t feel that way because feelings are fickle. Here’s a fact I can rely on. He chose me! When I was ten and read Psalms 23 I knew, I know that I knew because I cried big tears, big gulping air, snot running down my nose, loud cries of joy leapt from me! That chapter was for me at that moment. Jesus introduced himself to me in my bedroom. So much love surrounded me and I knew I wasn’t alone. The more I read, the more I study, I see in scripture that it is not me that suddenly wanted to know this mysterious man. God chooses whomever He chooses. He picked me! I am wanted and loved and worthy of His love because yes, He first loved me! The desire to know Him comes from Him. The desire to worship Him comes from Him! I can rest in His perfect love. I can’t earn it. I don’t deserve it. I only have to receive this gift.
Last night that revelation kinda hit me again. I have asked God to help me not worry, stress and fret. So, if your working on an area of your body, if your building a muscle, your working it, your sore, you might hurt or ache as the area you are building gets really worked, the same applies to your heart, or spirit. I am strengthening my faith, well, God is. So of course that means the testing of my faith is painful! Thank you Jesus that you will not ever give up on me! My resolve to stay the the of time and the testing of my faith has been renewed. I am ok! I am better than ok, I am highly favored! I am blessed going in and blessed going out. I am above only and not beneath! I am sealed with Gods Holy seal. I am the bride of Christ! I am my beloveds and He is mine!
Abraham was called at the age of 75 to be the father of many but was sent at the age of 100 to have the son that God called him to have. He and Sara tried, in the flesh and on their own to have a child and that was not the child God called him to have, Ishmael was born in the flesh and eventually banished to the desert. God gave Ishmael a promise of a nation of his own, but Isaac was whom God established His covenant.
Moses was called I believe at birth to lead the Jews out of captivity. He moved in the flesh thinking to kill an Egyptian that was abusing a Jew, which was his brethren. He fled and became a shepherd at the age of 40 and it was another 40 years before God sent him to free the Jews. By then he had developed a speech problem and didn’t feel he was up to the job! God waited until he was humble!!
God waited 14 years to give Abraham his promise, Moses waited another 40 years. I know God has promised me somethings, I’ve had several prophetic words, over several years, with different people. These promises take time, but we are told to write our visions and promises down, to wait for them, they will come at their appointed times. Thank you Father, that your word gives me hope. I am not too late. I haven’t been a mistake and my mistakes are not too big for you! In fact, I am excited! I am expectant! I am filled with anticipation! What God can and will do no man has seen before! He is doing a new thing!
I believe in that quote. I am stronger today in my broken places but it took 7 years and a two year stint in prison to heal that brokenness but it certainly did. I think. I was married 16 years and had three beautiful children. My marriage was a happy one until one day it wasn’t. I sank into a depression.Actually I have struggled with severe depression all my life.
Let me backtrack a little. When I say I sank one day, I think that is not quite true. I was a lonely little girl that grew up with horses and alcoholic father. After fourth grade I was home schooled. I grew up often times scared of the outbursts of a dry drunk father. That is what my mother called him. To this day I don’t totally understand the meaning. I just know I was alone and scared and as I understand the meaning, broken.
I will post this and update it as I can. I brings up a lot of pain and I have begun to see perhaps my brokenness is has not healed and mended as much as I thought.
update: I think this will be as broken piece of written material as I have ever written. Bare with me please. I must sort through my broken thoughts, delicately, to reach my broken heart and then I can brokenly talk, or write about it.
So I was homeschooled at fifth grade and let loose into the countryside astride a horse. I had the grandest time riding. I let my imagination fly as fast as I let my horse gallop. I was anybody and anyone I wanted. I learned to do tricks, riding backwards, spinning in my saddle at a gallop. I had read that Native American riders would tie a knot into their horses manes and then loop their arms through it to appear as if the horse had no rider and then attack the settlers from under the horses neck. So I attempted the same. Horses became my friends. At one time I had four of my own. I can’t say I did any schooling. I did however have a very quick memory recall so once I read something I retained it so it looked like I was doing my work but my math was terrible. You can say I have fourth grade education. Because that was the last full year of school I ever did.
The other side of my growing up was my father was abusive towards my mother. I was the youngest of five kids. At the age of thirteen or fourteen my dad began introducing me as his girlfriend. I was shocked and felt utterly disgusting when I noticed the leers of the men he had introduced me. It wasn’t until I was divorced and in therapy I understood why I felt so gross and throughout my teens and young adulthood I would shave my head and do anything to NOT have my father call me beautiful.
Fast forward….why digress and talk about what fucked me up. Let me finish with the fact that I choose to forgive my abusers. I am not ready to talk about it. I am however ready to move on and sometimes that means you stop thinking about it. You focus on here and now, the present. I survived, I am overcoming and I am not being hurt anymore, in fact the only time I hurt now, is when I let them, in my memories. We can choose our thoughts. We can stop thinking about one thing and rethink upon positive. Stay positive. I am broken. In places. I am healed and healing some of my broken places and in those places I am stronger, wiser and that is what I will end this on.
After Bella 
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