When my kids were young, between 14 and 10, I became seriously ill with depression after the divorce of their father and me. I soon after became addicted to drugs and ended up in prison. Their father drank a lot but provided a safe home for them to grow up in and they are young adults now that don’t use drugs, they are all in good jobs. They work hard and now that I’ve been out of prison for 4 years, drug free, we have reconciled. I am proud of them. I am proud of myself. I do however, give God the glory and chose to stay humble because life is hard and I’ve been known to make bad choices so my pride must always stay in check lest I fall.
When I see a dirty, ragged, chipped and lonely piece of furniture I feel compelled to see beyond its appearance, to the heart of it.
This is not finished. Unfortunately when I began working with wood I didn’t foresee my commitment to see the end from the beginning. I had no idea I could do this and I certainly didn’t realize my enjoyment. I lose myself when I’m sanding wood. I only use a sander up to 400. From there I do it by hand. This is my first sanding job. I’m not finished. I only had up to 2000 grit
What started off as what I shouldn’t do who I shouldn’t see and how could this not go wrong, overtime has become a little more right every day and I’ll admit we face some challenges but the right far out weighs the wrong and not looking too far ahead keeps us in the moment and I think our moments are pretty amazing and what started off as all wrong, today seems all right.
Loneliness can be so quiet, at the same time be loud and crashing
Being alone can be refreshing, or sad, still and depressing
Fear can be exciting, or just a touch of it can make you feel like dying
Loss can set you on your knees, ripped apart and crying
Love can be any one of these or something that will grow forever
And take you to a higher place where you’ll always have a cover
Love is somewhere to go when things go wrong
Spoken in gestures, kisses or song
love can be quiet and gentle and love can be loud and crashing
being in love can be hard and lasting or sadly just in passing
Hello Grief. I was wondering when I’d see your face today. I’d say it was nice to see you but it would be nice to see you forget me. Oh! I see you brought your friends along. Hello Guilt, hello Shame. Well come on in, make yourself comfortable. I know your agenda, so let’s not pretend this is social. Take a seat. Roll the film, it’s show time! There’s my Shame! There you are Guilt! You two never leave my side. Oh and look! You both know that perfect pitch to synchronize yourselves with Grief, so that you all three are felt as one, bitter sweet memory. One never ending slow progression to this one exact precise moment. My awakening. Indeed, my reckoning, I have this moment every day. Sometimes once, sometimes many times a day. Well, today I’m gonna seize the moment and momentarily I’m allowing myself to accept what I find truly unacceptable. That hard task, the challenge of being me
I am not mad. I will not get mad. Bothered? Yes, you could say I am bothered. Momentarily. Skipped a beat is all in the grander scheme of things. Even so, it was a much needed step I had to take, miss step though it was in order to get back to doing and being me. Indeed! Mad? Me? No, not mad at all.
so here i am, in my private place i will put my smile, my practiced smile in a neat little box, next to me..for a little while in this place, my secret place i will not wear my lie such a little thing, this little brave face, this prefect peaceful pensive smile like a habit worn in faith…it brings such comfort to everyone around, yet the price, the saintly sacrifice brings to me no such peace, i conceal my pain, i bury my shame, in a pretty lie my lovely lie, and before i fall to restless slumber…..place it there to rest no one wants to see my truth, no one else can bear my pain so i mold it, i create something beautiful that all can see and not worry or think too much about But i dance with it tonight, my truth to which, in the darkness i let my partner lead, ……sweeping me up into despair whirling thru the night, spinning me leaving me breathless then… alone again i will turn…and gently open my box There it is, my smile, my practiced smile my lie in practice…
After Bella 
You must be logged in to post a comment.