Tag Archives: depression

My kids & myself

What are you most proud of in your life?

When my kids were young, between 14 and 10, I became seriously ill with depression after the divorce of their father and me. I soon after became addicted to drugs and ended up in prison. Their father drank a lot but provided a safe home for them to grow up in and they are young adults now that don’t use drugs, they are all in good jobs. They work hard and now that I’ve been out of prison for 4 years, drug free, we have reconciled. I am proud of them. I am proud of myself. I do however, give God the glory and chose to stay humble because life is hard and I’ve been known to make bad choices so my pride must always stay in check lest I fall.

Something Beautiful

When I see a dirty, ragged, chipped and lonely piece of furniture I feel compelled to see beyond its appearance, to the heart of it.

This is not finished. Unfortunately when I began working with wood I didn’t foresee my commitment to see the end from the beginning. I had no idea I could do this and I certainly didn’t realize my enjoyment. I lose myself when I’m sanding wood. I only use a sander up to 400. From there I do it by hand.
This is my first sanding job. I’m not finished. I only had up to 2000 grit

You

I remember you. Is this trembling from fear, or the scent of you. What do I fear? The loss of you. What fears taunt my mind? The loss of you. Oh my love. I love you so. You. Oh the loss of you. So different do we think and so separate do we love. I remember you. When you kissed me for the very first time. Or every first we’ve had together. I remember you. I am so afraid I’m losing you that….. I’m afraid my fears caught up to me and now I am losing you. How do you stop the past from catching up to you and the future from destroying….. you. Is it true? There is no future there never was a future. Not for me and you. I love you. Every part of you. I never was enough for you. You have every part of me. You. I have to let go Tell me how do I stop loving you. You love how I love you. You don’t love me. I have to learn to forget you. But. I remember you. Where is your mind? Where is your heart? I don’t know anything about you. You are the biggest lie I’ve ever sold myself for. Or perhaps I lost you because I am not meant for you. Did I think this into existence? This loss of you? In your heart I know you’ve set your face to loving me but do you really? You. This trembling for the touch of you. I love you. There is so much noise inside my head I often can’t hear you. I don’t know what to believe. I don’t want to ever lose you. When you kiss me, did you know? It’s always like first time with you? Oh I am so afraid. I can’t image a day without you. You. I remember you. Is this trembling from fear, or the scent of you. What do I fear? The loss of you. What fears taunt my mind? The loss of you. Oh my love. I love you so. You. Oh the loss of you. I remember you

Hello Grief

you are not alone
#thestruggleisreal#grief

Hello Grief. I was wondering when I’d see your face today. I’d say it was nice to see you but it would be nice to see you forget me. Oh! I see you brought your friends along. Hello Guilt, hello Shame. Well come on in, make yourself comfortable. I know your agenda, so let’s not pretend this is social. Take a seat. Roll the film, it’s show time! There’s my Shame! There you are Guilt! You two  never leave my side. Oh and look! You both know that perfect pitch to synchronize yourselves with Grief, so that you all three are felt as one, bitter sweet memory. One never ending slow progression to this one exact precise moment. My awakening. Indeed, my reckoning, I have this moment every day. Sometimes once, sometimes many times a day. Well, today I’m gonna seize the moment and momentarily I’m allowing myself to accept what I find truly unacceptable. That hard task, the challenge of being me