Addiction Forgiveness Acceptance
Is it bad that I am doing this in such a quick, fast and uninteresting way? I am behind and am trying to catch up. Let me move on to the next prompt!!
What do people incorrectly assume about me
Malcolm Gladwell
We don’t know where our first impressions come from or precisely what they mean, so we don’t always appreciate their fragility
“God can save the sinner you are, but not the saint you pretend to be.” ― Anthony Bloom
I had my kids in soccer for years in a small town. At that time I didn’t have as many tattoos as I do now,maybe three less. Still, this one particular game that we had won,the other sides coaches, two sisters, approached our side talking loud about our side cheating. It became loud and the kids were asking what was a cheater. I asked if they could discuss it later, not in front of the kids. The shorter one yelled at me to shut up, and actually said “Shut up, you have tattoos and you look like a whore!’ I mean just like that. I know what your probably thinking. What kind of clothes is she wearing? Well I know I had a pair of capris on and it was summer so probably a tshirt. I specifically remember my hair as in two braid because I felt self conscious wearing them. It was something new, I’m sure the ladies will understand! That created a ruckus with a bunch of moms on our side stood up, shout bitch and yelling at each other. It went crazy. I grabbed our coach, and said please don’t, its ok and it isn’t worth it. I think one mom on our side even yelled someone should kick her ass. I calmed everyone down. I remember just feeling shocked, not outraged. I was more upset when my six year daughter asked me what a whore was. I did talk to the soccer league something or other and he apologized on behalf of the league and told me that both girls couldn’t coach the rest of the year. I thanked him and really only think about when kicking back with friends yelling outrageous and funny stories. That was one on the list. Here’s one more. On this day, I was checking out my purchases and was getting off the phone with my husband. I said something like praise the Lord. when I was off the phone she asked if I was a christian. I said yes. She preceded to then say ‘I didn’t think people with tattoos could be Christian.’ This was my response, ‘ Yes ma’am, I am a christian. I’m not worried about this skin, I get a new one in Heaven.’ I don’t remember everything she said but it really could have set me off had I not known that perhaps that day I could show a person with prejudices against people with tattoos, a different perspective. I was nice and polite to her. I told her Jesus loves me and I love him.I parted ways with her and I felt joy in my heart. Maybe that day she thought about it. If anything my reaction to that conversation will last. Not all people with tattoos are going to hell.
my tattoos. What were your assumptions?Now, I must say, that I am very old fashioned. Old school. Respect. You gotta have respect. When I get in those situations, it doesn’t affect me. That could be interpreted that I let people walk all over me, which I am inclined to agree. So, on one hand I do believe that God graced with humility and on the other, I have stayed in abusive relationship far too long. Perhaps it is a little of both. Well , I gotta go. Im trying to catch up Im days behind!
If I could go back and talk to my teenage self I would like to talk to my 10 year old self. I would say don’t listen to your dad. Don’t! I would tell her to not destroy her trophies, you deserve them. I would tell her not to push away the good things and people, hold onto them. Your family does not define you. Your unique and embrace that. Embrace all that is you. That day you stopped believing in your gifts and talents, when your dad told you that you looked like a fool on you horse and he wouldn’t take you to the horse show, you have to stop believing that. Your dad was just lazy and he didn’t want to take you. Your gifted. I would tell her to always do the right thing. You usually do but there have been a couple times you missed the mark. Stay on your course. You are worthy, you are love able and special! When you start to get really depressed and you don’t talk or move and you isolate yourself, I want you to get help. Talk to someone. If you don’t talk about what is going on it won’t stop and you’ll hate your self more until you start to hurt yourself. Stay in school. Tell your mom and dad you don’t want to homeschool and mark your own way. Create the life you want. Think about it. Picture it. Love yourself. Do daily affirmations, get them from the Bible, from your head, think of ten positive things for every negative you think. Start your book and never stop writing. Believe in yourself. Say it! I BELIEVE IN ME. I CAN DO ANYTHING I AM STRONG I AM SMART I AM A GOOD PERSON I AM LOVED GOOD THINGS ARE LOOKING FOR ME. Say whatever your next thinks up as long as its good. I know you. I know your ur self talk is not positive but I know you want to be different because your are different People love you. You are a light in this world and you shine!!!
This is how I got my favorite toy, that I called Coyote.
I was a very imaginative ten year old. I would go out in the back yard and gallop like a horse. I set up jumps all over and me and my horse Coyote would run and jump the course. Or we would chase outlaws, or be chased. I loved my imagination. It took me wherever I wanted to go. I was a pretty avid reader as well. One day, a week or or so before Christmas in 1985 my dad came outside and told me to come inside and change, we had to go. I asked him where we were going and in one sentence, one spoken word, my dreams and all my prayers came true. My dad looked down at me and said ‘ We are going to go pick up your horse!’ I tell you the truth when I say I fell to my knees and cried. I cried even more when he told me he was a paint, then I cried more when he told me his name Coyote.
No second thought. No, let me think about it. My children inspire me to become stronger every day. I have made so many bad choices in the last decade that were made in a haze of mental illness that I lost out on so many memories with these beautiful souls. For a while, I stumbled around in self pity. Regret, shame and guilt tormented me. I wrote about in my blog, a few pieces in particular. I wont post a link, but they are there. My oldest wants to read my blog as she believes it will give her insight into my thoughts and feelings while I was away. My divorce hit me at the same time memories I had forgotten forced their way into the forefront of my very life. I was confusing the past with the present. I started using and then selling drugs and at that time I didnt want my kids around me or the kind of people associated with. I certainly didnt want them ever to see mommy using and think it was ok for them to use.It was a real struggle. The desire to be with my children fought hard but ultimately lost at least for a few years. You see, the guilt I felt inside was a complex guilt. Sexual assault victims and children of abuse deal with misplaced guilt, top that off with the guilt of not being around my kids, listen, I hated myself. I tried to overdose on heroin. I dealt with gangs, I went alone to meet with members of gangs. I put myself in so many bad situations with a attitude of Oh Well. I really just didnt care. Then, slowly I had stopped using and was just selling. Theres more to that story as well, Ill tell it another day. As My head cleared and I started to talk to My oldest, I saw her for her birthday in 2018, it was what inspired me to change and get back into my kids’ lives. It is difficult to change from that lifestyle while still selling narcotics. You meet at some strange hours, no 9 to 5 job that is. Well, anyway. God intervened and I was set up by my buyer and the cops surrounded me, faces covered and with dogs. I went to prison. I wrote my kids every single day until I couldnt afford it, the they got something once a month. I stayed out of trouble best I could, let me tell you, prison aint easy, but I had an inspiration. I had a goal. I appreciated the fact that I was away from the business and while in prison, I stayed out of the game, or business as well. I could have used connections I met while there out here if Id wanted to stay in that believe me. I got out and Im here to say I see my kids regularly. Well, my son is in the military but we chat frequently. Both my girls and I spent Christmas together. I have them back and they say they are proud of me. So you know who inspires me, now here’s the why. I want to inspire them! I want them to see their mother, a woman with many roadblocks as an overcomer When life throws them a hardball and it will, they need a strong woman to look up to. I still have things I am battling but instead of a complainer they see a champion, instead of a person that gives up, a formidable woman that pushes on. My son will see that people can change and when someone makes mistakes they can make it right and that I always loved him and always will. This is a short piece I dedicate to love of my life, my kids! Xoxo
Todays prompt: what is something you wish you knew how to do
“The beautiful journey of today can only begin when we learn to let go of yesterday.”
Steve Maraboli
In a nutshell, the above quote says it all.
I have always been a self motivating person. When I wanted to learn to sew, I did. Pretty much on my own. I won’t lie and say I am extremely gifted or always take my time and pay attention to all the details but I will say I can sew a zipper!! When I wanted to raise a couple of goats to milk for their milk I learned how, then proceeded to learn to make goat milk soap, which I recommend to any and all with skin conditions or to those who just want a natural but lavish soap. When I wanted to learn to cook, bake and grow a vegetable garden, I rolled up my proverbial sleeves and leaned, I was self taught. Self motivation and self discipline are traits I am thankful for. I can really only think of one thing I aspire to but am regularly defeated, flounder and fold at. It is not forgiveness that I lack, I think. It isn’t that I cannot let go of yesterday even. How can I let go of the past when I still find myself repeating the same pattern? I do positive self talk, I do the homework and I practice it. Still, I am back in the same paddle boat, without the paddle. I have come up with a plan this time, I love lists so plans are fun to make. Of course, that requires plan A and plan B. This is where it gets problematic. At the moment my right knee ie impaired so I am unable to execute said plan(s). I will, however keep everyone au courant!!!
I wanted to learn to sew cloth diapers when my kids were still using them. This was the last batch I made in 2007. I googled for patterns, I don’t recall the site I used. Anything you want to do in life, you can do! Make up your mind, don’t settle! I am still working on my process but I know that what I put my mind to do, I do. So can you!
I cant really remember ever getting out of my comfort zone. I want to say even, that that is something I am very good at avoiding. There are two ways putting yourself in that situation can go. It can be very good for someone to stretch or broaden their horizon, so to speak. It can also be frightening and trigger some unwanted emotional responses or even psychological problems that produce some pretty strong physical responses.
I do have a time I can share with you all, one of the biggest moments in my adult life, concerning my daughter and her horse. I wrote and referred in #Bloganuary first prompt that I grew up riding horses and wanting to show my horse. I developed anxiety at an early age and by the time I was in my early teens, my competition days were over. I would sweat profusely. I would feel like I couldn’t breathe. Well, I raised my kids on a farm. We had goats, chickens and horses. So of course, I taught my daughter how to ride and do some barrel racing. I knew in the back of my mind she would want to compete. She is my daughter, we are so much alike! I dreaded the question I knew she was going to ask. I knew it because I had told her the previous year she was too young. Oh yeah, she was going to ask. And she did. She pinned me down with, “Mom, you told me last year I couldn’t barrel race and the year before that you told me, next year” I was sweating already, I could barely breathe. I turned around, away from my little girl, I didn’t know what to do. It wasn’t fair. I knew she wanted to go. She deserved to go. I remember wanting to go to a horse show too. How could I let her down? This was a moment I knew would come. I had been dreading it, for me, it was the moment I would face my fears or I let my fears break my daughters heart. You see, I was and am very comfortable riding horses. I just cant compete. At an early age my father told me he had seen me practicing with my horse doing the clover leaf barrel racing pattern, he told me I looked like a fool and he wasn’t taking me. I was crushed. Devastated. At the least, I lost all belief in myself and at the worst my father wasn’t proud of me and didn’t think I was any good. I never competed again. I rode an I trained horses and gave riding lessons but I could not would not ever again enter the arena. I developed severe anxiety. How could I take my daughter to a horse show when I couldn’t be around an arena. The mere thought of it sent me into the bathroom with stomach cramps, dizziness, breathlessness and drenched in sweat. My anxiety overwhelmed me. I cried for awhile in my bathroom. I didn’t stay too long in the bathroom. I had to take her. I would not let my fears break my little girls heart. I got really uncomfortable the week before her playday event. I did a lot of self talk. The morning of the event I would love to tell you I was fine. I wasn’t. I hitched up the trailer, loaded the horse and kids and off we went. She had a blast. I enjoyed watching her. My daughter won ribbons and a trophy that day! All the kids had fun, while I wouldn’t say that day I had a break through of any sort, I was able to provide a good time for the kids,
Sometimes we have to get out of a comfort zone and get really uncomfortable. That is living,
After Bella 
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