Tag Archives: addiction

Living..Loving Me

Myself

Truth, it does bring with it freedom. Freedom from the burden of carrying the weight of sadness and guilt.  I ran from my pain for so long. My pain was the lie you gave me about my self.  Your  poison.  That lie. That lie that I believed, that wrecked my soul and tortured my mind   I ran from this lie, but when you are running from only a lie, you are only running into madness. The running from it, is the running into it. I simply woke up one morning and I recognized it was only a lie. A lie, is nothing, it is void of relevance, void of all life  It could only hurt me if I let it.  You breath life into a lie when you believe it.  I decided to embrace the truth of me. I looked for integrity in others and found no one. I had forgotten or overlooked myself. I realized, I was what I wanted. I had only not looked there before, because I had believed a lie.  Truth can cause damage or truth can rebuild,  it sometimes must do both. I am not horrible. I am not unacceptable. I was the best outlaw I could be and the best one I knew. With that revolutionary concept now accepted, what else could I do but love myself. Enjoy myself. Make myself the best, better than before. Now, having put away my criminal tendency and awakening from my drug induced self loathing and self destructive ways, I come home. Stronger, wiser and now my truth is stronger than his lie and I have broken the bondage of addiction. I have come home to myself. I love myself.
I am living…… loving me

My Abyss

Me during my addiction

I gave it all away, just to take it all back. I have once again reached into that great lonely abyss, my addiction and claimed it as my own, knowing that it takes all that I have, knowing it is all freely given. I remember walking away but I’m unclear why or what had me look back but I do know that I did. We all have afflictions. I myself have had quite a few. By far the most challenging would be my heroin addiction. My drug addiction is my most painful affliction. How could I have come so far to digress even farther? How could I take ten steps forward and a hundred back? I shake my head, then lower my head, in shame. I can’t answer that, not for you. Certainly not for me. I just know that right now, I am not really living anymore, barely existing in a valley of pain. Sorrow is all around me. Now, when I saw that abyss, it wasn’t sad, it was beautiful and perfect, like it always is, for the first time. Like every other time, I left everything I love for that deep dark lonely painful abyss that is my addiction Once again, It’s sad. Their sad and most of the time I’m sad. I don’t have to ask myself . I already know the answer. I’m not at all who I used to be. I’m not at all who I could be. My personal abyss, my chosen fissure of affliction, slowly over time did bring me down in the chains I myself had offered. It took everything I had and then it did take my life