Tag Archives: addiction

My kids & myself

What are you most proud of in your life?

When my kids were young, between 14 and 10, I became seriously ill with depression after the divorce of their father and me. I soon after became addicted to drugs and ended up in prison. Their father drank a lot but provided a safe home for them to grow up in and they are young adults now that don’t use drugs, they are all in good jobs. They work hard and now that I’ve been out of prison for 4 years, drug free, we have reconciled. I am proud of them. I am proud of myself. I do however, give God the glory and chose to stay humble because life is hard and I’ve been known to make bad choices so my pride must always stay in check lest I fall.

Forgetting

Don’t look back, forget it

Let go, let it go and

Don’t look back

Look ahead. That’s all new

Press on, strive for it. Reach

Focus on now, not then

Don’t try to remember, remember when?

That’s been done, it’s over. Finished

This is now. Right now. To begin

Let’s begin Let’s all breathe. Breathe in. Breathe out. Now stop. It’s gone. It’s over. Don’t take it back. Forget it …….. stay forgetting

I value being alone

What’s something most people don’t know about you?

I am outgoing, always smiling. I’m easy to talk to and I listen really well. I listen really well because I don’t care to share, I keep my inner being to myself. I prefer solitude to a party. People are surprised when I tell them I’m introverted because I’m so outgoing open and friendly!!

Thirsty Thursday

In your thirst for knowledge, be sure not to drown in all the information. …

Ecclesiastes 12:12 KJV: And further, by these, my son, be admonished: of making many books there is no end; and much study is a weariness of the flesh.

K.I.S.S. Keep It Simple Stupid

rehab

So many theories, so many opinions

John 14:6 ... “Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.” King James ..

So many religions, so many people trying this and that. It is so simple. Jesus. He is the answer.

John 4:13-14
Jesus answered and said to her, “Everyone who drinks of this water will thirst again; but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him shall never thirst; but the water that I will give him will become in him a well of water springing up to eternal life.”


Matthew 5:6
“Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.

Isaiah 44:3  For I will pour water on the thirsty land, and streams on the dry ground; I will pour out my Spirit on your offspring, and my blessing on your descendants.

John 7:37  Now on the last day, the great day of the feast, Jesus stood and cried out, saying, “If anyone is thirsty, let him come to Me and drink.

Do not let me mislead you, there are many more scriptures on thirsting for the Jesus, these are just a few. If you want to know, ask, if you are seeking you will find but seek you must. The answers are there. You do not have to ask someone, ask God. Then open up the living Word! I pray you are blessed and that the burning quest for knowledge you are searching for be found in the Lord!

People Places & Things

Come Out From Among Them

I am a recovering addict. The first thing you do when you quit or stop using, is decide to change. You start thinking about it, unless of course the law gets you and you are forced to stop. Or it kills you.

They say the second thing you need to do is change your “people, places and things” Stop hanging with your old friends, then you stop going to the places you used to go to to use or buy, then you stop the things. The things is a much broader statement, it literally means change EVERYTHING!!!

While in prison I read :

11 Corinthians 6:17 " Come out from among them and be separate, says the Lord. Do not ouch what is unclean, and I will receive you"

I think its pretty cool that when you are using, you say your not clean and if you are not using you say you are clean. Just an interesting thought. So I am going to share some scriptures the Lord gave me while in prison that I still use today to light the path I walk. These are also scriptures people can use when dealing with family members that are actively using. We are called to be separate. To be different. To not follow the crowd. I hope these bless you and minister to you as they do me.

Psalm 45:10 'Listen O  daughter, Consider and incline your ear; Forget your own people also, and your fathers house'

Genesis 12:1-3  'Now the Lord had said to Abram: Get out of your country, from your family and from your fathers house, To a land I will show you. I will make you a great nation, I will bless you and make your name great; And you shall be a blessing. I will bless those that bless you and I will curse those that curse you'

Isaiah 52:11,12  'Depart! Depart! Go out from there! Touch no unclean thing, go out from the midst of her, be clean you who bear the vessel of the Lord'

1 Corinthians 15:33  'Do not be deceived, evil company corrupts good habits.' 

Revelations 18:4  'Come out of her, my people, lest you share in her sins and lest you receive of her plagues.'

Numbers 33:55-56  “‘But if you do not drive out the inhabitants of the land, those you allow to remain will become barbs in your eyes and thorns in your sides. They will give you trouble in the land where you will live. And then I will do to you what I plan to do to them.’”

Joshua 23:11-13  Be very careful, therefore, to love the Lord your God. For if you turn back and cling to the remnant of these nations remaining among you wand make marriages with them, so that you associate with them and they with you,  know for certain that the Lord your God will no longer drive out these nations before you, but they shall be a snare and a trap for you, a whip on your sides and thorns in your eyes, until you perish from off this good ground that the Lord your God has given you.

I want to give the meaning as to my understanding of these scriptures. I get most of my understanding in the next scripture that I believe says it all. 

2 Corinthians 6:14   Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?

 In the Bible, the word yoke was used to imply slavery, servitude or influence in family relationships and religious ones.

I love that so much of what we think is our knowledge actually was written for us so long ago. The Word is the best blueprint, the best guideline we can use to live today! It is relevant, it is alive it is the book I go by. Each problem I face I can reach for my Bible and find an answer. Seek and ye shall find! I hope you enjoy my prison journal. There is more of it coming!

Co$t of the Cro$$

The Co$t of Discipleship

“Thus speaks the Lord God of Israel, saying; ‘Write in a book for yourself all the Words I have spoken to you’

Jeremiah 30:2

God revealed that scripture while I sat in Dallas County Jail waiting to go to prison. This is the beginning of all He spoke to me while in prison. I rode my bunk as they say for two years, and studied. My mom, bless her heart, sent me dictionaries to define words that stuck out or that I felt compelled to understand on a deeper level, she sent me devotionals and when there was no more room in my locker, she hand wrote me from Strongs Concordance. Thank you momma! It was because you kept me in pen and paper that I could write these down.

Luke 9:62  
But Jesus said to him, " No one having put his hand to the plow and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God.
Luke 9:23,24
Then He said to them all " If anyone desires to come after me, let him deny himself, take up his own cross daily and follow me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose his life but whoever loses his life for my sake will save his life"

Mark 8:37
Or what will a man give in exchange for his life?

Luke 17:32 
Remember Lots wife? He who seeks his on life will loose it.

Genesis 19:26
But Lots wife looked back behind her and she became a pillar of salt

This regards to wanting to want to follow Jesus but still having other priorities and or desires. Or perhaps perhaps looking back on an addiction you have broken free from and what happens when we think too much about something? We are more than likely going to to go back to it. Our thoughts eventually become actions.

Our lives will never be greater than the cause we live for, ourselves or God. Do you desire earthy love and recognition, or heavenly love and recognition? Happiness or Holiness? Favor with man or God?

What are you seeking?

  • Happiness
  • Holiness
  • Recognition
  • Wealth
  • Jesus
  • Popularity

Something Beautiful

When I see a dirty, ragged, chipped and lonely piece of furniture I feel compelled to see beyond its appearance, to the heart of it.

This is not finished. Unfortunately when I began working with wood I didn’t foresee my commitment to see the end from the beginning. I had no idea I could do this and I certainly didn’t realize my enjoyment. I lose myself when I’m sanding wood. I only use a sander up to 400. From there I do it by hand.
This is my first sanding job. I’m not finished. I only had up to 2000 grit

Today, I am choosing to like myself.

Austin Texas

This is where I follow scripture and as in Jeremiah 30:2 “I am the Lord, I am the God of Israel, I say :Write in a book all the words I have spoken to you”

December 30, 2021

After fourth grade my parents put me in home school…..we had moved out to the country to have our horses with us on a farm. I had no friends, as I got older my social skills were lacking. I was naive and extremely vulnerable. I was desperately lonely and in need of Jesus.

“Before we make friends with anyone else, we must first make friends with ourselves”

Eleanor Roosevelt

I had a difficult time making friends as a young girl. I was home schooled in the late eighties and we just didn’t have the resources we have now. That and my already insecure feelings, when I met a girl and tried to become friends I didn’t have the ability to really maintain friendships. Moving forward….

My first experience with God was when I was ten years old. I was in my room reading the Bible and Psalms 23 jumped out of the page and came alive to me. God was my Shepherd, He personally led me to still waters and His staff and rod protected me! I broke down into tears. He became my friend that day. I wasn’t alone. I was loved!

That moment sustained me through my early years but Satan attacked me through sexual, verbal and physical abuse. Like many girls and boys who endure silently the hole abuse digs into your heart and mind I began to act out. I didn’t act out really so much as I began to act in. The voices in my head telling me I was guilty. I was wrong. In a self loathing mental break I gave up my beloved horses. I believe my divorce and eventual break in my relationship with my kids was the same reaction to the shame I felt. I separated myself from anything beautiful in my life. In my teens I threw away my trophies from horse shows in a rage of self hatred and shame.

I was caught with drugs in 2018 and sentenced to prison time, I sat down and finally had to listen to what God had to say to me.

“Our prisons and our jails are now our mental health institutions.“

Hillary Clinton

Continue reading “Today, I am choosing to like myself.”

Heroin

I am nothing more and nothing less

Than what I have become. I have become what I despise.  I think I will always be what I hate, what I have become. I tried to run and What I ran from. Is what into.  It chased me down and now as I stare into lifeless eyes they seem to me my own eyes I stare upon.
This is an illusion of me. Confidant? Not truly. Carefree? Not really.. I thought I owned my addiction. I thought I handled it. Maintained it, controlled it. It broke from free from its chains. It roared to  life angry at its bit that held it. It came at me with fiery darts. Darts laced with Heroin. That became my Master. For all the control I had on meth. Heroin took more on me. The only pure high imaginable. The chase for it endless. Feeding it Was impossible. The hunger pains rooted and inflamed by the lust for it. Lust. Is it ever satisfied? Addiction? is it ever cleansed from your soul once it has left is Mark?  Is it ever forgotten. Are we Ever forgiven. Can we forgive ourselves..
I’m alone. Alone with myself. Am I lonely. For it. For him. My friend that helped me become what I am. He wanted me for naught but more darkness that I held in my wallet. How used I am. I am used so thoroughly that I am useless. Like a dried up well. A wasteland. Wasted away. I am heartless.  I can love only that which takes leaving me loveless but to the unlovely, I deserted my loved ones. I deserted myself. I ran my race but I ran a course that was not meant to be ran. I decided myself to be this. To become this. They only showed me the path. I opened myself to this disaster.  My falling from grace. My falling into Heroin. You fiend. You falsehood of character. I am not your slave. I broke your chains. But I cannot break so easily from you in my mind. For  it is where your memory remains. Buried. In a shallow grave. You rear your ugly face and I cringe. For this moment of clarity I pay dearly. This cleanliness is unbearable. This destruction is ongoing as I answer his call and ask. No. I beg for his return. I yearn , as much for him as it. Wrapped up n in a warm blanket of oblivion. If not a warm coffin of death. Will he call again. Will he help me wobble to my chains again. Only he can free me from freedom. Only he can chain me to the chains I offer him.  Death isn’t always cold and isolating. Where I have been  its a blanket of love, lust and a yearning for more. Always more. The beast is s hungry beast. Ready to pounce on innocent souls, our loved ones crying out to us for us as we indulge our addiction to the beast that knows not race or Creed. Is not prejudiced against anyone but the ones that say no. To the truly strong. The ones that stay true to b themselves and the ones they love. But I love none. Not myself. Not anyone. I love him  for what he gives me. He gives me the beast. Will I become strong enough to conquer my elf. My beast. My destruction. I rides on destruction. I looks for freedom in a prison.I seek freedom in chains. I loves my Master. My keeper. My lover. A faceless heartless destroyer. It knows not a thing but is all  knowing of our shortcomings and promises to fulfill our deepest need. To know. To experience freedom from pain, and Rejection.  Our struggles to acquire it far outweigh our struggles to live. To Love. To feel anything. Pleasure is only acquired through its course through our veins. It’s arrival into our soul as it captures our spirit. Drains our dreams empties our pockets and finishes our lives. We r remembered as nothing more nothing less than heroin addicts. Mothers give up their children. Wives give up their husbands. And our children give up their lives to it. It takes over every part, every spectrum of dignity. And it makes us barbaric and debased to the masses. It ruins everything it touches. It touched my soul and I gave it my life. I handed myself to a brown spec of nothing that promised a minute of freedom. But only a minute. And that freedom was a dream dreamt in desperate  delirium of deceit. Longed for by the desperate. Desperate for the happy delirium  that makes puppets out of us. Addicts. Addicted to Heroin is addicted to nothing short of hell designed to look and feel like heaven, every fiber of my being covets its return. Return, Return private hell. Return capture me again. Take me captive. Take me prisoner. Force my defeat.my surrender Take me that I can n once again dance in my saviors arms  tho they b cold heartless loveless arms they are at least arms I can feel. Arms I can love. Arms that deserve a wretched sort as I,  come to me I beckon you. I beseech all that is hell to overcome this indecisiveness and have him come to me. Take me. Take me away to a land of dragons that breath fire. Fast and furious be your agreement to come. This refuge is not the Refuge I desire. I desire you, Heroin. How can I refuse you. How  long will my hunger b denied. How long will you hide your lovely face. Come to me. Come to me  I long to wrap my body with your warmth, your passionate kiss of death so far. Why did you run. Why did you go so far. Come back to me. I will work for you to please me. I will work for your pleasure. I will do whatever you ask if you but  remain with me. I have a lovely face  I have a comely figure. I will give over myself to you. My mind I will Forge to your liking. Your acceptance is my priority. Your taking me is consuming me. Why wait any longer. I give you full ownership to all that I have if you will just own me. Love Me with loveless arms. Just say you love me. Say you will not desert me again. Stay by my side as I refuse them. Deny them charge of my being. You are my Master to which I give my sovereign loyalty. My creation was for you to satisfy yourself. Depleted of choice I still choose you. Can I beg more? Can I offer more? Pray tell and it is yours. I desire you as I desire breath. I offer my whole body. My person. It is yours if you will only take. Take me and I will serve you well. Take me and let my body  please you. My arms long for you, to feel you. To become one with you. Can you not hear me. Why do u stay so far. You are  so distant with the one that wishes to become yours. To become what you will. What you desire, take my soul. Take my spirit. Take  it all but give me your promise of ownership. I needed you once and  you came. Won’t you come again. Won’t you relieve my pain. Give me your shackles and I will serve you shackled. Give me your promise of lies and I will make them my truth. My all I offer. Is it not enough? Our paSt should be our present. My future I give you. I offer it all. On my knees I vow to you my money. My allegiance. My priority will be your priority. My promises will be your  promises
Take me. Make me. Mold me. Train me, make my life yours. You hold all that i now hold dear. Come. Let us indulge together the sweetest of sin. Come. Take me to your prison. I will not run. I will not deny your rights to me which I freely give. Just come to me. I offer more than I am willing to give but give i shall.  With ease I defile my principles to serve a master of such evil assault that would deny me. A taste of its delicate wine. Rich n in lies. wealthy in its entirety of lies and it far out reaches my denial. If you but come to me. Take me. Master, I beg you. Do not deny your servant her service of pleasure.

June 30
He came to me to leave me. He gave me a little back of what he took. But he tossed that part of me to the wayside.  Perhaps I am just an afterthought. Small  insignificant me. Remaining at  your feet begging for your scraps. Remnants of memories can be forged into any one thing you find good and acceptable as long as you think in certain, carefully thought out delirious thoughts producing memories you want to remember and not memories you long to forget
Forgetting yourself. Forgetting your loved ones. Tossing them aside as you prepare to b tossed away into oblivion. Addiction. Heroin  is a ravenous fiend carefully walking, lurking ,stalking those hurt lost Weary soul’s that dare pass by. TaKing what it can. It can take everything. It breathes it’s poison into your soul while it’s injected into your arm. Innocently it begins. Just a thought at first. Just one time. But then. The once turns into twice And the twice turns into your life, as lies sink  into your heart and come out ugly and evil truths.  I am alone. Alone with myself. Alone to think. So very alone. I think I believed him so I could believe in it. If he wouldn’t let me down and it didn’t Let me down then I’d remain on top. But being on top isn’t the grand adventure I told myself it would be. It’s not Grand. Nor is it an adventure. Not even a story worth mentioning. Just another lost, Weary, sad soul entwined in self hatred and self loathing that cannot be fed on its own but by the poison that deceives it with every administration. I cannot quite recapture the woman I once Was. Her essence has been reborn. Rebirthed into an addict living in a private prison of darkness relieved only by the Feeding of this monster. The character of it is unfathomable, its evil ways to re capture the warm cloud of peace. The deceptive taste bitter sweet and in the end it only leads to more self hatred which leads to more captivation to the poison of Heroin. Yes. I know my nemesis name. My foe. My faithless friend. Heroin. I can call it by its name. It knows that I know it. I am after all. It’s keeper. I feed it. I’ve helped it grow. I let loose on myself the vilest of affliction, my Heroin addiction.  Can I be saved? That is not the question my dear. The question is. Do I want to b saved. Do I want to see myself. Do i want to know myself? Is there anything  good left inside of myself that I can deem worthy of salvation? I really cannot answer such a question as this. I have no answers but lingering questions myself. These are the questions I hide from. I run from. I devise daily to a fault the perfect way to avoid asking them at all. If by chance I defy myself and ask, well then, I’ll have hit a bump, just to make a bump. My fix is my fix all. My beast performs well. On time. Every time. I bask in the warm cloud I float upon on each use of its poison. That I readily chose. Readily I chase my Dragon down. It never makes me chase it long. It awaits around the bend to offer me comfort against the assault of pain on  remembering the beauty of those precious jewels I hid from myself. Hid them so as to not destroy them. Every now and again I look into my minds eye and I can capture the sound of their giggles and stomping  Feet so precious that I cannot allow myself to touch them. There is to much I want to say. So many explanations I cannot give. So much love I want to share but all my  love is not able to love. . A shadow remains. But my monster, my ugly fiend. My face. My very being is that desolate desert of despair I desire to spare them my defection into darkness. Theencumbrance of being me. Go on beauty. Beautiful soul’s move away. Go. Flee from me as fast as you can. Don’t look back. Back at me. Move on. You are the best of me, with tremendous effort I give  way to another. With inner strength of will I leave you. It is like iron this will. This iron fist of addiction I let grab me when I first flirted with this destructive decision. This addiction. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I laid invalid while it ravaged me. While it sank its claws  into my soul and I gave myself over to  it. I laid willingly upon my bed of despair and begged it to overcome with a moment, just a moment of what it promised. Not fully understanding the depth of proprietorship it would have on me once I had tasted it’s sweet juice. It’s poison. It’s pollution over my being my soul

Broken

The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.

Ernest Hemingway


I believe in that quote. I am stronger today in my broken places but it took 7 years and a two year stint in prison to heal that brokenness but it certainly did. I think. I was married 16 years and had three beautiful children. My marriage was a happy one until one day it wasn’t. I sank into a depression.Actually I have struggled with severe depression all my life.

Let me backtrack a little. When I say I sank one day, I think that is not quite true. I was a lonely little girl that grew up with horses and alcoholic father. After fourth grade I was home schooled. I grew up often times scared of the outbursts of a dry drunk father. That is what my mother called him. To this day I don’t totally understand the meaning. I just know I was alone and scared and as I understand the meaning, broken.

I will post this and update it as I can. I brings up a lot of pain and I have begun to see perhaps my brokenness is has not healed and mended as much as I thought.

update: I think this will be as broken piece of written material as I have ever written. Bare with me please. I must sort through my broken thoughts, delicately, to reach my broken heart and then I can brokenly talk, or write about it.

So I was homeschooled at fifth grade and let loose into the countryside astride a horse. I had the grandest time riding. I let my imagination fly as fast as I let my horse gallop. I was anybody and anyone I wanted. I learned to do tricks, riding backwards, spinning in my saddle at a gallop. I had read that Native American riders would tie a knot into their horses manes and then loop their arms through it to appear as if the horse had no rider and then attack the settlers from under the horses neck. So I attempted the same. Horses became my friends. At one time I had four of my own. I can’t say I did any schooling. I did however have a very quick memory recall so once I read something I retained it so it looked like I was doing my work but my math was terrible. You can say I have fourth grade education. Because that was the last full year of school I ever did.

The other side of my growing up was my father was abusive towards my mother. I was the youngest of five kids. At the age of thirteen or fourteen my dad began introducing me as his girlfriend. I was shocked and felt utterly disgusting when I noticed the leers of the men he had introduced me. It wasn’t until I was divorced and in therapy I understood why I felt so gross and throughout my teens and young adulthood I would shave my head and do anything to NOT have my father call me beautiful.

Fast forward….why digress and talk about what fucked me up. Let me finish with the fact that I choose to forgive my abusers. I am not ready to talk about it. I am however ready to move on and sometimes that means you stop thinking about it. You focus on here and now, the present. I survived, I am overcoming and I am not being hurt anymore, in fact the only time I hurt now, is when I let them, in my memories. We can choose our thoughts. We can stop thinking about one thing and rethink upon positive. Stay positive. I am broken. In places. I am healed and healing some of my broken places and in those places I am stronger, wiser and that is what I will end this on.