Addiction Forgiveness Acceptance
Do you mean I should just let go. Even if, it hurt? Even though I was badly hurt? Together! Technically, “no body deserve a SECOND CHANCE. Because we do the wrong things a thousand times over but HE STILL CARES(GOD) this is more than enough. This is the part where you think that I am […]
You need a heart — Solift
Darling, the legs aren’t so beautiful, I just know what to do with them.
Marlene Dietrich
Legs
Write about something mysterious
Child birth to me, is a great and beautiful mystery! The makings of a tiny human all inside your belly. I got pregnant with my first child in 1998. I was 23 years old and married for two years. I met a woman at church one night, she introduced herself and explained she was a mid wife, She asked me what kind of birth I would like and that set me off! ” What kind of birth?” You mean there is more than one kind? She suggested I read a book Baby Catcher: Chronicles of a Modern Midwife by Peggy Vincent, an excellent source of information. I quickly became an advocate for home birth. I transferred all my medical records to my new mid wife and off I went to plan my birth!! There is so much more to labor and birth than what Hollywood portrays. Sadly because we are uneducated and Hollywood’s spin, we have way too many hospital births and are uneducated in the benefits of home birth. That is not the magic though. The magic is in the mystery. The womb is the darkest and warmest place we have ever been. It is the place of our development and our design. Our journey into this world is full of tears and joy. Pain? Yes, there is pain, for sure. If we are taught to understand all the little things that cause us to hurt more, then we can manage this moment and endure less pain and more focus and joy. Bright lights are not normal for any other birth except humans. Our cats and dogs usually go for a quiet dark corner, alone. I completely understood when we talked about it with my midwife. I had after all, been raise in a farm. So, I decided I wanted candles only for lighting. I had my music planned. My invitation only birthing was on the way! I only had to get my child to get with it and come out! She was nearly two week late. The final count down was the day before she came out. My midwife had been at my house for nearly two days waiting for this baby! She finally said, everyone go home. I want you and your man to have a date, go for a walk, and have really good sex and we will see what happens! Well, I guess the makeup of a mans sperm can help stir the juices and get labor going!! So does breast stimulation. I loved giving birth! The joy and awe you experience when you first meet the little person you had growing inside of you is beyond mysterious and magical! It is Miraculous.!!
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“Doubt everything. Find your own light.”
Buddha
An old friend told me to live your fears! Whatever your afraid of, you secretly desire. She has found her light. I am ever inching my way to this unattainable light! I am little Ms Afraid~y~pants! Deep down I fear everything ,it wrecks havoc on my life! I am constantly thinking, overthinking and then rethinking every situation, any possible angle where I would be hurt. I would have tension headaches, my shoulders would ache. I was very tense. Wound tight you could say. I want to go back to school, but I hesitate. I am living but I am not living my best, or free or happy.
I have this strong woman inside me, she disappears on me rather often. There is only a shadow of her, but I know she is there. I can feel her sometimes. She is there. Here.
There are a few questions I have, these are questions I am not listening to, I guess doubt would describe it better. I am not listening to the doubts. I push on.
What is a cause that I am passionate about and why
Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing.
August Wilson
I am going to have to say, my answer is me, myself and I. I have to really truly and purposefully try and become passionate about me. I am 46 and there is so much about me and this life I’m living that I still don’t know, that I believe I must become vigilant about loving myself. Giving myself permission to not being the perfect woman, whatever that ideal is. Discovering hidden talents, rediscover old dreams and learn to relax, breath, have fun. In loving myself I will cast out the negative energy. I have tried to micromanage my life and those in it so much so, that I’m sure my beloveds have been suffering. I have been through some bad things, we all have, but when I didn’t feel I had control over my body the first time I was raped as a child I think it led me to overcompensate with controlling habits in other areas. So, that is a big discovery I have had recently. I am learning to just let go and live and love and laugh and be happy! When you let go of the control, you can learn to relax. Constantly worrying about this and that and all the what if’s. My relationship will grow stronger because the worry is gone. He loves me right now, tomorrow is another day. I cant control him or the weather so I might as well enjoy myself and him and the weather!!!
Proverbs 18:15, "The intelligent man is always open to new ideas. In fact, he looks for them."
I would love if I could solve problems. You could literally give me your problem and I would solve it…..just like that! No fuss, no stress for anyone. Finances, relationships and with our family/kids, issues would not be a problem because I would be after all
What does be your best self mean to you? I am pretty sure I know what it means for me, Be Your Best Self is a cast of words, regal words. They imply happiness and contentment. Then I will tell you, sadly, no I am not living my best life.
What started off as what I shouldn’t do who I shouldn’t see and how could this not go wrong, overtime has become a little more right every day and I’ll admit we face some challenges but the right far out weighs the wrong and not looking too far ahead keeps us in the moment and I think our moments are pretty amazing and what started off as all wrong, today seems all right.
There is the beginning to consider. Yes, I must examine how it began, how it ended and how, upon looking back, there must have been a moment. A moment that I could have stopped it and it all not began. Somehow, I missed it.
I have a few but let me think for a minute and I’ll tell you about one. In 2020 I was released from prison. Upon my release I had to see parole and find out about my parole restrictions and requirements. These are them.
So, here I am, without a drivers license and to get it back I had to pay restitution, $100.00 The class was $100.00 and I had to find a ride to and from work. Let alone, I needed to find a job. These are tough things to accomplish when you have no car or drivers license and all your friends still do drugs and are hollering at you via social media, tempting you to go over and get high, or asking if I was gonna sell again. So I stopped talking to all of them. A few I still talk to today, but its like a Slim Shady slim list. Well, I lived with my brother and mom, my mom drove me to work. Oh yea, I forgot to tell you I got a job less than a quarter mile away. What a blessing! Well, I made $10.00 an hour at a warehouse packing fruits and vegetables for orders to be delivered, so it took a while to save all that money and live . I did it though, so it can be done. I made it work living with my brother and mom by staying humble. Anyway, within a month and a half, I took the class I needed, a week long by the way. Tedious to say the least. Once I completed the class I had to buy insurance even though I had no car, it was just another hassle parole put on you to make things difficult. So I got the insurance. After I got my certificate for taking the class and paid the restitution fees I waited for the DMV (Department of Motor Vehicle)to release me so I could get my licences back. That took a little over two weeks. I started dating Andy by then and he took it upon himself to help me then save and buy a car. Those days before Andy, even when I was with Andy, when I wasn’t with him I was lonely. I couldn’t go see him. He lived in Arlington and I lived forty minutes away. So I was lonely, car less, friendless but not hopeless! I am proud of myself for doing the right thing. I could have just driven and been liable if something went wrong. It was best for me to work hard and truly appreciate the feeling of overcoming an obstacle that was pretty big!
After Bella 
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