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My kids & myself

What are you most proud of in your life?

When my kids were young, between 14 and 10, I became seriously ill with depression after the divorce of their father and me. I soon after became addicted to drugs and ended up in prison. Their father drank a lot but provided a safe home for them to grow up in and they are young adults now that don’t use drugs, they are all in good jobs. They work hard and now that I’ve been out of prison for 4 years, drug free, we have reconciled. I am proud of them. I am proud of myself. I do however, give God the glory and chose to stay humble because life is hard and I’ve been known to make bad choices so my pride must always stay in check lest I fall.

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Quilting

What have you been working on?

I’m narrowing this down to quilting. I made a quilt 25 years ago that my youngest has kept. Over the years it’s worn out so she asked me for another. It’s a fun thing to tackle and each stitch I can’t help but think of her. Also, since my other kids might feel slighted, I’m also working on projects for them❤️

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Forgetting

Don’t look back, forget it

Let go, let it go and

Don’t look back

Look ahead. That’s all new

Press on, strive for it. Reach

Focus on now, not then

Don’t try to remember, remember when?

That’s been done, it’s over. Finished

This is now. Right now. To begin

Let’s begin Let’s all breathe. Breathe in. Breathe out. Now stop. It’s gone. It’s over. Don’t take it back. Forget it …….. stay forgetting

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Learn Who You are

Your ‘Who” is different than your ‘Do’

I am frail, I am weak, I fall short. That, however is not WHO I am!

  • I am chosen
  • I am called
  • I am forgiven
  • I am justified
  • I am loved
  • I am a Royal Priesthood
  • I am a child of God
  • I am the apple of His eye
  • I am alive with Christ
  • I am Holy
  • I am without blame before Him in love
  • I am a joint-heir with Christ
  • I am an overcomer
  • I am a new creature in Christ
  • I am the light of the world
  • I am His elect
  • I am the head and not the tail
  • I am greatly loved by God
  • I am submitted to God

I am complete in Him Who is the Head of all principality and power

This all goes with loving myself, forgiving myself and not judging what I have done, what I may do and giving myself not a pass to mess up but love. Be easy on myself. I am not who I used to be. I do not do what I used to do. I am changing, God is developing in me the desire to live a life worthy of the calling and that really begins with love. If I love, pure love, I forgive others and myself. If I love, I do my best at work, for my supervisors and the company. If I love I let things go that bother me. This is not to become a door mat. Standing up for myself is loving who I am as well as loving myself enough to not let other peoples behavior toward me effect me. This is all new to me, this revelation of loving myself in a Godly way. It is not indifferent, it is being at my core a strong oak! Well, that is all for the day!

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Judge Not

Do not judge yourself harshly. Without mercy for ourselves we cannot love the world. — Gautama Buddha

Don’t forget, forgiving yourself includes not judging yourself

So here I am, so focused on my sin, what I think I am doing wrong, that I forget I am loved. That His blood covers me, I am loved and I am loveable! Recently a friend of mine sent me a devotion on judging ourselves. I have a judge. My Judge, my Father, my Redeemer, my Best Friend thought so much of me, loved and loves me so much that He laid down His life for me. There is no condemnation for those in Christ. I have heard this, read this and quoted this to others, fully believing it. About them. Not me! I guess I didn’t really think much of myself. I couldn’t forgive myself. Perhaps in loving myself enough to truly forgiving myself, is key in walking in love with myself. I walk in love with others. I give others allowances for being themselves, I just have had a hard time doing that with myself. Causes a lot of stress! I am on a journey. Ups and downs, mountains and valleys and sometimes I make mistakes. I have really been hard on myself. Guilt ridden. Oh that He loves me! I feel a little more free today. Less heavy.

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Facing the Truth

I need to be honest

I was shown something today. I have to take responsibility for my own actions. When you are in a relationship with a controller it is our responsibility to follow our heart and follow what God says. I let my fear of rejection and fear of being alone keep me in an unhealthy relationship. I never said no. What he wanted for dinner was what we had. Where we went was wherever he wanted to go. He even told me one time one of the things he loved about me was that I never said no to him! That eventually gave me feelings of bitterness, feelings of even lower self worth and I harbored grudges toward a man I could have said no to and kept my self respect! I am thankful that God is showing me truths about myself. In this I can change, I can say no and I will in the future!

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Revelation

The Word is Truth

When I read this scripture in Psalm 4:2 it jumped out of the page and settled into my heart. It resonated with my soul. I wrote last night about me chasing love in my relationships and they always fail. Love and acceptance come from my Lord and that is where I am right now. I am still mourning the man I love but I know that I am not a failure. I am not a loser. I am not unworthy. I am waiting on God. Everyday I seek His word, the truth about myself. I am redeemed and Jesus sacrificed Himself for ME! I have known this all my life but a deeper truth hit me last night. I have to trust God to heal my knee, to put me into a job that will enable me to support myself and I have to let go of the wrong thinking that has entrapped me, enslaved me into people pleasing and the approval addiction I have lingered in. I am a strong woman, a child of God, I am going to make it and I am going to prosper!

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I am not alone

This is my first post in a long time. I am undergoing a transition in my life. I once wrote about my first experience with God at age ten. Psalm 23. I read it and I cried. I knew he was speaking directly to me. Later in life I looked toward men for my approval, for love, for acceptance. I lowered my standards, I did not set or keep boundaries. I ignored the voice inside me that said no. I quieted the voice inside that said, that’s not love. I put men in front of God. The acceptance of the man in my life, his love, was an idol. So, as I heal from my recent relationship I have asked forgiveness from God. He has sent woman to feed me the word and truth. There is a brother of mine that has ministered to my soul and spirit. You know who you are! I am on my way now! I never recognized this pattern in my life before. I see truth now. I have revelation. Thank you Jesus! So, truth sets us free! I am not alone! God is with me, he comforts me, his rod and staff protect me. He leads me beside still waters and has my lie in green pastures. I dont understand or know my future, but I believe truth and the truth, the Word says God has a good plan for me, I will receive double recompense for my sorrow and He will restore what the locusts have eaten, I will have beauty for my ashes and I will not be shamed. I will be a lender and not a borrower! I am on my way! I am excited!

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Thirsty Thursday

In your thirst for knowledge, be sure not to drown in all the information. …

Ecclesiastes 12:12 KJV: And further, by these, my son, be admonished: of making many books there is no end; and much study is a weariness of the flesh.

K.I.S.S. Keep It Simple Stupid

rehab

So many theories, so many opinions

John 14:6 ... “Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.” King James ..

So many religions, so many people trying this and that. It is so simple. Jesus. He is the answer.

John 4:13-14
Jesus answered and said to her, “Everyone who drinks of this water will thirst again; but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him shall never thirst; but the water that I will give him will become in him a well of water springing up to eternal life.”


Matthew 5:6
“Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.

Isaiah 44:3  For I will pour water on the thirsty land, and streams on the dry ground; I will pour out my Spirit on your offspring, and my blessing on your descendants.

John 7:37  Now on the last day, the great day of the feast, Jesus stood and cried out, saying, “If anyone is thirsty, let him come to Me and drink.

Do not let me mislead you, there are many more scriptures on thirsting for the Jesus, these are just a few. If you want to know, ask, if you are seeking you will find but seek you must. The answers are there. You do not have to ask someone, ask God. Then open up the living Word! I pray you are blessed and that the burning quest for knowledge you are searching for be found in the Lord!

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Wednesday’s Wake Up

Everything he ever said, every promise….

“If your actions don’t live up to your words, you have nothing to say.”

― DaShanne Stokes
“…they speak great swelling words of emptiness…”
― 2 Peter 2 18

With every broken promise

There comes a time when the person lying can no longer be responsible for the breaking of your heart. You are responsible for your own heart ache. When I realized this I was still heart broke. That I let myself down. That I let someone time after time and time again get my hopes up. I wanted to believe in the love I thought we shared. I wanted to believe. There are just some things and people we are not and were never meant to know, to love or to believe in. The journey is our choice to some extent and I am ready to become my own hero, my own advocate and as my daughter recently said, become independent and learn to use my own voice and use it LOUDLY!!!!

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Tasteful Tuesday

Taste and see that the Lord is good

Isaiah 30:20  New International Version
Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them.

In my life I have tasted much adversity and drank deep from the cup of affliction but God has never left me. He uses this diet to strengthen us. To test and prove our faith. The deeper I drank the deeper my roots. I know from my times in adversity that I can do all things through Christ. While in prison He ministered love on me even in the harshest of environments. I never went without coffee and sugar, which is like gold in prison. I had so many moments that were very personal and too surreal to not be my Lord. He loves us. If you look for Him, you will find Him. 

Ekekiel 2:8   But you, son of man, listen to what I say to you. Do not rebel like that rebellious people; open your mouth and eat what I give you.”

The words I have eaten have often been hard and bitter, as I digest the truth and my flesh is told no. But oh the truth. The truth does set us free! It it a hard thing to do, the taming of the tongue, or flesh. But if we obey these truths we will find peace and freedom.

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Ninety Nine

Luke 15:3-7  Then Jesus told them this parable:  “Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’ I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.

When I was ten years old my Father gathered me into his fold. He led me beside still waters, He protected me, He lavished me with His love! He anointed me. He had me pass under His rod, He separated me, He sealed me with His Holy Seal. I could FEEL it! Thank you Abba!! As I wait upon you, I can relax. My heavenly Daddy loves me! He has it all taken care of! Just like that little sheep in the picture, we were all lost and hopeless and scared at one time. You can call on Him. He loves you, He hasn’t forgotten you, no matter how far you stray our Good Shepherd will come!

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People Places & Things

Come Out From Among Them

I am a recovering addict. The first thing you do when you quit or stop using, is decide to change. You start thinking about it, unless of course the law gets you and you are forced to stop. Or it kills you.

They say the second thing you need to do is change your “people, places and things” Stop hanging with your old friends, then you stop going to the places you used to go to to use or buy, then you stop the things. The things is a much broader statement, it literally means change EVERYTHING!!!

While in prison I read :

11 Corinthians 6:17 " Come out from among them and be separate, says the Lord. Do not ouch what is unclean, and I will receive you"

I think its pretty cool that when you are using, you say your not clean and if you are not using you say you are clean. Just an interesting thought. So I am going to share some scriptures the Lord gave me while in prison that I still use today to light the path I walk. These are also scriptures people can use when dealing with family members that are actively using. We are called to be separate. To be different. To not follow the crowd. I hope these bless you and minister to you as they do me.

Psalm 45:10 'Listen O  daughter, Consider and incline your ear; Forget your own people also, and your fathers house'

Genesis 12:1-3  'Now the Lord had said to Abram: Get out of your country, from your family and from your fathers house, To a land I will show you. I will make you a great nation, I will bless you and make your name great; And you shall be a blessing. I will bless those that bless you and I will curse those that curse you'

Isaiah 52:11,12  'Depart! Depart! Go out from there! Touch no unclean thing, go out from the midst of her, be clean you who bear the vessel of the Lord'

1 Corinthians 15:33  'Do not be deceived, evil company corrupts good habits.' 

Revelations 18:4  'Come out of her, my people, lest you share in her sins and lest you receive of her plagues.'

Numbers 33:55-56  “‘But if you do not drive out the inhabitants of the land, those you allow to remain will become barbs in your eyes and thorns in your sides. They will give you trouble in the land where you will live. And then I will do to you what I plan to do to them.’”

Joshua 23:11-13  Be very careful, therefore, to love the Lord your God. For if you turn back and cling to the remnant of these nations remaining among you wand make marriages with them, so that you associate with them and they with you,  know for certain that the Lord your God will no longer drive out these nations before you, but they shall be a snare and a trap for you, a whip on your sides and thorns in your eyes, until you perish from off this good ground that the Lord your God has given you.

I want to give the meaning as to my understanding of these scriptures. I get most of my understanding in the next scripture that I believe says it all. 

2 Corinthians 6:14   Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?

 In the Bible, the word yoke was used to imply slavery, servitude or influence in family relationships and religious ones.

I love that so much of what we think is our knowledge actually was written for us so long ago. The Word is the best blueprint, the best guideline we can use to live today! It is relevant, it is alive it is the book I go by. Each problem I face I can reach for my Bible and find an answer. Seek and ye shall find! I hope you enjoy my prison journal. There is more of it coming!

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Smile! It’s Saturday

I hope you have a wonderful day!

“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

― Greta Garbo

I just read that quote and decided it is my favorite! I have been told I always have a smile on my face, I have been told I am too emotional. I agree with Miss Garbo. I am tough. I feel things strongly and that is OK. I am able to feel things, face things and I am not broken! It is the ones who are able to feel, to understand and articulate those feelings, face them, right or wrong, admit things, openly, authentically that are the fiercest! I like that about me! Hey! Today I found something I like about myself! I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

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Friday Feelings

Feelings & Thoughts

“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart”

― Helen Keller

Such a beautiful sentiment……if one can keep their feelings in check! I myself struggle daily and often by the minute with my own feelings. So I say one cannot go by feelings alone. They are fickle. Fair weather friends are our feelings. We must think about our thoughts before we decide we can trust our feelings. Put away your feelings for a moment. Yes, our husband forgot to take out the trash, the kids left their toys out and you stepped on one this morning, barefoot. You want to yell, scream and maybe cuss. You are mad. You feel angry or upset. As long as you can control the feeling and not act in your feelings I’d say you are grown and mature. I have yet to meet that goal but I am working on it.

Today, I will not go on feelings alone. I am going to redirect my feelings and thoughts and rethink my thoughts into submission to the Word of God. Be gentle. Be meek, humble and understanding of others and KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT!!! Keep me in your prayers LOL, this is quite a personal challenge!!! Have a wonderful day and weekend!!!

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Thankful Thursday

Every day may not be good. But there’s good in every day. Happy Thursday. 

Unknown

It’s Thursday, what are you thankful for?

I am thankful for God restoring my family. I am drug free! I have met some pretty awesome bloggers on here! I am thankful for my mom, for my daughters who love me and forgive me, I am very thankful for forgiveness! I am thankful my son is a good man, he loves me and forgives me too! I am thankful for grace and joy that comes in the morning! And at night!!!! I love my life!

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Co$t of the Cro$$

The Co$t of Discipleship

“Thus speaks the Lord God of Israel, saying; ‘Write in a book for yourself all the Words I have spoken to you’

Jeremiah 30:2

God revealed that scripture while I sat in Dallas County Jail waiting to go to prison. This is the beginning of all He spoke to me while in prison. I rode my bunk as they say for two years, and studied. My mom, bless her heart, sent me dictionaries to define words that stuck out or that I felt compelled to understand on a deeper level, she sent me devotionals and when there was no more room in my locker, she hand wrote me from Strongs Concordance. Thank you momma! It was because you kept me in pen and paper that I could write these down.

Luke 9:62  
But Jesus said to him, " No one having put his hand to the plow and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God.
Luke 9:23,24
Then He said to them all " If anyone desires to come after me, let him deny himself, take up his own cross daily and follow me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose his life but whoever loses his life for my sake will save his life"

Mark 8:37
Or what will a man give in exchange for his life?

Luke 17:32 
Remember Lots wife? He who seeks his on life will loose it.

Genesis 19:26
But Lots wife looked back behind her and she became a pillar of salt

This regards to wanting to want to follow Jesus but still having other priorities and or desires. Or perhaps perhaps looking back on an addiction you have broken free from and what happens when we think too much about something? We are more than likely going to to go back to it. Our thoughts eventually become actions.

Our lives will never be greater than the cause we live for, ourselves or God. Do you desire earthy love and recognition, or heavenly love and recognition? Happiness or Holiness? Favor with man or God?

What are you seeking?

  • Happiness
  • Holiness
  • Recognition
  • Wealth
  • Jesus
  • Popularity
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#Bloganuary

What is a super power I’d love to have?

SuperPower Love

Problem ~Solving

Proverbs 18:15, "The intelligent man is always open to new ideas. In fact, he looks for them."

I would love if I could solve problems. You could literally give me your problem and I would solve it…..just like that! No fuss, no stress for anyone. Finances, relationships and with our family/kids, issues would not be a problem because I would be after all

That would be Andys’ first choice for me.

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#Bloganuary

What does it mean to live boldly?

”To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”

Oscar Wilde

There was a time a few short years ago, when I was making my living by committing crimes, where I really believed I was living my best life. I lived by a code of conduct, I had my hand in a lot cookie jars so to speak. I multi tasked if you will. Anyway, for a while maybe I was living my best life, considering. I always had lots of cash, I was my own boss. I ran my life like I had a legit job. I called customers and promoted my goods, I had a daily log of what came in and what went out. I took profits from one area and reinvested into other areas of my said liking or interest. I collected on debts or accounts owed and kept client relations on a happy note. It was an adventure. Or misadventure. Reckless is what it was. I wouldn’t want to do it again, live like that but I did do things I never thought I’d do, experienced a way of life that is completely outlaw and made some friends with the oldest coolest cats I know. Real OG.

Now, I have to ask myself, am I living boldly now? No. I am living quietly. I am resettling into life. Readjusting. My boyfriend Andy and I don’t go out a lot. I am trying to figure what to do with my life as we speak, poor Andy, he is trying to give me ideas. Its a lot of work, being my boyfriend. As I reflect on this and realize I could be living better, perhaps I will take a moment now and mindfully look at my life. Where could I improve on something, anything? I have to keep into consideration my knee and leg are still unable to carry my weight, so what can I do? I cant drive yet. Well, I did start this blog, or rather just started paying attention to it. So maybe right now, I am doing the best version available of living boldly. I started writing again. I started playing with graphic art again. I think this mindful moment I just had was very productive!

Attention!!

Considering my current situation, I am living boldly! I am taking risks when I post something I write. I love to write. Right now, this is my best life! I am so glad I did today’s prompt. I wrote myself into my my own truth I hadn’t taken the time to see and I am happy to say, this is living boldly for me!!

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You

I remember you. Is this trembling from fear, or the scent of you. What do I fear? The loss of you. What fears taunt my mind? The loss of you. Oh my love. I love you so. You. Oh the loss of you. So different do we think and so separate do we love. I remember you. When you kissed me for the very first time. Or every first we’ve had together. I remember you. I am so afraid I’m losing you that….. I’m afraid my fears caught up to me and now I am losing you. How do you stop the past from catching up to you and the future from destroying….. you. Is it true? There is no future there never was a future. Not for me and you. I love you. Every part of you. I never was enough for you. You have every part of me. You. I have to let go Tell me how do I stop loving you. You love how I love you. You don’t love me. I have to learn to forget you. But. I remember you. Where is your mind? Where is your heart? I don’t know anything about you. You are the biggest lie I’ve ever sold myself for. Or perhaps I lost you because I am not meant for you. Did I think this into existence? This loss of you? In your heart I know you’ve set your face to loving me but do you really? You. This trembling for the touch of you. I love you. There is so much noise inside my head I often can’t hear you. I don’t know what to believe. I don’t want to ever lose you. When you kiss me, did you know? It’s always like first time with you? Oh I am so afraid. I can’t image a day without you. You. I remember you. Is this trembling from fear, or the scent of you. What do I fear? The loss of you. What fears taunt my mind? The loss of you. Oh my love. I love you so. You. Oh the loss of you. I remember you

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#Bloganuary

Prompt of the day

What do people incorrectly assume about me

We don’t know where our first impressions come from or precisely what they mean, so we don’t always appreciate their fragility

Malcolm Gladwell
“God can save the sinner you are, but not the saint you pretend to be.”
― Anthony Bloom

I had my kids in soccer for years in a small town. At that time I didn’t have as many tattoos as I do now,maybe three less. Still, this one particular game that we had won,the other sides coaches, two sisters, approached our side talking loud about our side cheating. It became loud and the kids were asking what was a cheater. I asked if they could discuss it later, not in front of the kids. The shorter one yelled at me to shut up, and actually said “Shut up, you have tattoos and you look like a whore!’ I mean just like that. I know what your probably thinking. What kind of clothes is she wearing? Well I know I had a pair of capris on and it was summer so probably a tshirt. I specifically remember my hair as in two braid because I felt self conscious wearing them. It was something new, I’m sure the ladies will understand! That created a ruckus with a bunch of moms on our side stood up, shout bitch and yelling at each other. It went crazy. I grabbed our coach, and said please don’t, its ok and it isn’t worth it. I think one mom on our side even yelled someone should kick her ass. I calmed everyone down. I remember just feeling shocked, not outraged. I was more upset when my six year daughter asked me what a whore was. I did talk to the soccer league something or other and he apologized on behalf of the league and told me that both girls couldn’t coach the rest of the year. I thanked him and really only think about when kicking back with friends yelling outrageous and funny stories. That was one on the list. Here’s one more. On this day, I was checking out my purchases and was getting off the phone with my husband. I said something like praise the Lord. when I was off the phone she asked if I was a christian. I said yes. She preceded to then say ‘I didn’t think people with tattoos could be Christian.’ This was my response, ‘ Yes ma’am, I am a christian. I’m not worried about this skin, I get a new one in Heaven.’ I don’t remember everything she said but it really could have set me off had I not known that perhaps that day I could show a person with  prejudices against people with tattoos, a different perspective. I was nice and polite to her. I told her Jesus loves me and I love him.I parted ways with her and I felt joy in my heart. Maybe that day she thought about it. If anything my reaction to that conversation will last. Not all people with tattoos are going to hell.

I put my pictures at the top. This is about my tattoos. What were your assumptions?

Now, I must say, that I am very old fashioned. Old school. Respect. You gotta have respect. When I get in those situations, it doesn’t affect me. That could be interpreted that I let people walk all over me, which I am inclined to agree. So, on one hand I do believe that God graced with humility and on the other, I have stayed in abusive relationship far too long. Perhaps it is a little of both. Well , I gotta go. Im trying to catch up Im days behind!

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Broken

The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.

Ernest Hemingway


I believe in that quote. I am stronger today in my broken places but it took 7 years and a two year stint in prison to heal that brokenness but it certainly did. I think. I was married 16 years and had three beautiful children. My marriage was a happy one until one day it wasn’t. I sank into a depression.Actually I have struggled with severe depression all my life.

Let me backtrack a little. When I say I sank one day, I think that is not quite true. I was a lonely little girl that grew up with horses and alcoholic father. After fourth grade I was home schooled. I grew up often times scared of the outbursts of a dry drunk father. That is what my mother called him. To this day I don’t totally understand the meaning. I just know I was alone and scared and as I understand the meaning, broken.

I will post this and update it as I can. I brings up a lot of pain and I have begun to see perhaps my brokenness is has not healed and mended as much as I thought.

update: I think this will be as broken piece of written material as I have ever written. Bare with me please. I must sort through my broken thoughts, delicately, to reach my broken heart and then I can brokenly talk, or write about it.

So I was homeschooled at fifth grade and let loose into the countryside astride a horse. I had the grandest time riding. I let my imagination fly as fast as I let my horse gallop. I was anybody and anyone I wanted. I learned to do tricks, riding backwards, spinning in my saddle at a gallop. I had read that Native American riders would tie a knot into their horses manes and then loop their arms through it to appear as if the horse had no rider and then attack the settlers from under the horses neck. So I attempted the same. Horses became my friends. At one time I had four of my own. I can’t say I did any schooling. I did however have a very quick memory recall so once I read something I retained it so it looked like I was doing my work but my math was terrible. You can say I have fourth grade education. Because that was the last full year of school I ever did.

The other side of my growing up was my father was abusive towards my mother. I was the youngest of five kids. At the age of thirteen or fourteen my dad began introducing me as his girlfriend. I was shocked and felt utterly disgusting when I noticed the leers of the men he had introduced me. It wasn’t until I was divorced and in therapy I understood why I felt so gross and throughout my teens and young adulthood I would shave my head and do anything to NOT have my father call me beautiful.

Fast forward….why digress and talk about what fucked me up. Let me finish with the fact that I choose to forgive my abusers. I am not ready to talk about it. I am however ready to move on and sometimes that means you stop thinking about it. You focus on here and now, the present. I survived, I am overcoming and I am not being hurt anymore, in fact the only time I hurt now, is when I let them, in my memories. We can choose our thoughts. We can stop thinking about one thing and rethink upon positive. Stay positive. I am broken. In places. I am healed and healing some of my broken places and in those places I am stronger, wiser and that is what I will end this on.

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Love

Loneliness can be so quiet, at the same time be loud and crashing
Being alone can be refreshing, or sad, still and depressing
Fear can be exciting, or just a touch of it can make you feel like dying
Loss can set you on your knees, ripped apart and crying
Love can be any one of these or something that will grow forever
And take you to a higher place where you’ll always have a cover
Love is somewhere to go when things go wrong
Spoken in gestures, kisses or song
love can be quiet and gentle and love can be loud and crashing
being in love can be hard and lasting or sadly just in passing

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This Time

This time. The last time. There is always that one time, one two many times, the wrong time or it could be any time but you know, you know it is the last time.  It could have been your, just this time or your one more time but it ended up the last time. 

Me and Cynjun

Overflow

This overflow of gut wrenching pain and chaos in my center confounds me confuses me contaminates me.

From where does it come? What, where is the source?

It enfolds me, encompassing me in traps me.

Anger. Fear. Guilt.

Panicked and confused, scared and I don’t know what to do, where to go

Silent screams

Silent tears

Silent No

Silence me

Overflow

The Fox and The Hound

What’s your favorite cartoon?

I’ve watched this so many times over the years. When I was a child in the late seventies and early eighties, I had the vinyl with the picture on it. I listened to it, I watched it and I loved it. It was the taking in of a lost baby fox without its mother that stole my devotion. Later as a teenager I would adopt a foal that’s mother had died after birth. I raised that foal as a mother. He would suckle on my fingers. Come when I called. As a day or two day old foal, it was February and my dad put newspaper all over my bedroom and let the baby stay on my room. I woke up every couple hours with a velvet muzzle and a little nicker in my face. So I think the movie prepared me for the raising and loving and heartache of raising an animal as a human

I gave my testimony in front of my church

I was pretty nervous. My method of staying calm was by looking up towards the back of the congregation and sweeping my eyes across the room, smiling as I spoke and having written really good notes to go by! I was 15 years old.

Daily writing prompt
Have you ever performed on stage or given a speech?
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Horse Back Riding

I haven’t rode a horse in years but it is my very favorite physical activity. To sit on that magnificent beast, to be in line with it, to move with it, exhilarating!!

Daily writing prompt
What are your favorite physical activities or exercises?
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Taking A Chance

I greatly admire a person that will take a chance, possibly a mistake, and do what their heart tells them.

Quit a job that is unfulfilling, break up with that person that is convenient, comfortable or maybe even mean, move to a new town or country! I admire a simple person set out to do something new and exciting, maybe even scary.

Taking a chance or risk. For themselves. Admirable!

Daily writing prompt
What is something others do that sparks your admiration?
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I see wild animals……

In Arlington Texas, at Veridian Park, I walked side by side with a little bob tailed cat. only he was larger than any house cat I have ever seen! Of course I see beautiful birds and I hear their sweet songs. Squirrels come by my yard for corn treats. I snapped the photo of the turtle in Hawaii!

Daily writing prompt
Do you ever see wild animals?
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Loving You

You are Wonderous and Marvelous. My Creator, my Father, my Healer, my Comforter. You are the smile on my face when I walk in hard times and the Joy in my heart when I don’t see an answer. You are my very best Friend. I love you

I met you at a young age. I had an encounter with you that completely changed my life. You came to me. You spoke directly to me as a little girl. In my parents’ room. You told me you loved me and that you would not leave me nor forsake me and that you would protect me and lead me as a Shephard leads his precious flock. I belong to you. I love you.

Precious Redeemer, never stop teaching me. Open my eyes to your truth. Keep me from disobedience. That I may please you and always be a pleasing aroma to you. That I sacrifice my fleshly desires and carry my cross. Create in me a loyal heart. A tender heart for you. So that I may tell the peoples of all you have done for me and how much you love them.

When I do not know the answers Father, I ask you to still me. Quiet my mind, be still my heart and as I wait with patient endurance, I call to remembrance all the good things that you have done for me and my countenance is lifted. I know that no good thing will you withhold from me. That you will perfect all that concerns me. I give you my thanks, my love and my fidelity. Oh how I love you!!

I would like to change the fact that on a deep level, I haven’t loved myself.

I would like to look in the mirror and not listen to the negative dialogue I hear within, I am actively on this trend, loving myself. I don’t want the readers to feel pity or think I am actively disliking myself. I am on the road. I am taking the purposeful time to change my inner voice, to say positive and loving things about myself, to myself. I am created in Gods image, marvelously created. I love God, so why has it taken me so long to really learn the art of giving myself a break, not comparing myself to others, I mean, God decided how I would look on purpose and it is a lie from the pits of hell that I should alter myself so I can look like someone else to be happy or prettier. That is what I would like to change, the idea that I should change something about myself just to fit in.

Daily writing prompt
What is one thing you would change about yourself?
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