#bloganaury Prompt 6

Who is someone that inspires you and why

No second thought. No, let me think about it. My children inspire me to become stronger every day. I have made so many bad choices in the last decade that were made in a haze of mental illness that I lost out on so many memories with these beautiful souls. For a while, I stumbled around in self pity. Regret, shame and guilt tormented me. I wrote about in my blog, a few pieces in particular. I wont post a link, but they are there. My oldest wants to read my blog as she believes it will give her insight into my thoughts and feelings while I was away. My divorce hit me at the same time memories I had forgotten forced their way into the forefront of my very life. I was confusing the past with the present. I started using and then selling drugs and at that time I didnt want my kids around me or the kind of people associated with. I certainly didnt want them ever to see mommy using and think it was ok for them to use.It was a real struggle. The desire to be with my children fought hard but ultimately lost at least for a few years. You see, the guilt I felt inside was a complex guilt. Sexual assault victims and children of abuse deal with misplaced guilt, top that off with the guilt of not being around my kids, listen, I hated myself. I tried to overdose on heroin. I dealt with gangs, I went alone to meet with members of gangs. I put myself in so many bad situations with a attitude of Oh Well. I really just didnt care. Then, slowly I had stopped using and was just selling. Theres more to that story as well, Ill tell it another day. As My head cleared and I started to talk to My oldest, I saw her for her birthday in 2018, it was what inspired me to change and get back into my kids’ lives. It is difficult to change from that lifestyle while still selling narcotics. You meet at some strange hours, no 9 to 5 job that is. Well, anyway. God intervened and I was set up by my buyer and the cops surrounded me, faces covered and with dogs. I went to prison. I wrote my kids every single day until I couldnt afford it, the they got something once a month. I stayed out of trouble best I could, let me tell you, prison aint easy, but I had an inspiration. I had a goal. I appreciated the fact that I was away from the business and while in prison, I stayed out of the game, or business as well. I could have used connections I met while there out here if Id wanted to stay in that believe me. I got out and Im here to say I see my kids regularly. Well, my son is in the military but we chat frequently. Both my girls and I spent Christmas together. I have them back and they say they are proud of me. So you know who inspires me, now here’s the why. I want to inspire them! I want them to see their mother, a woman with many roadblocks as an overcomer When life throws them a hardball and it will, they need a strong woman to look up to. I still have things I am battling but instead of a complainer they see a champion, instead of a person that gives up, a formidable woman that pushes on. My son will see that people can change and when someone makes mistakes they can make it right and that I always loved him and always will. This is a short piece I dedicate to love of my life, my kids! Xoxo